Things my kids say

So my kids say some pretty silly things here are a few examples:

I made Lily a bologna sandwich and she pulled all the bologna out and ate it then we had this conversation:

Lily: "the aliens ate my bologna look their tip-toying outside"

Me: "oh really? Well you still have to eat your bread."

Liam: "What happened to the dog food?"

Lily: "The aliens ate that too but they didn't like it so they stole my bologna."

Liam: "This is a mystery, I'm going to solve this mystery and save the day."

Me: "Are you going to find the aliens"

Liam: "I think the dog ate the dog food and Lily ate the bologna. Good news Lily there are no aliens!"

Lily: "Oh."

Liam: "Oh my gosh! Oops sorry am I allowed to say that?"

Lily: "Can I have a pet dragon mommy please? Pretty please mommy a dragon I'll take care of it."

So its getting closer to Lily's first day of school and I must say I am so emotion filled for her. I want so much for her to succeed and fit in. I worry that my nervousness for her will rub off and make her nervous. But then I see her excitement and totally disregard for my neuroses and I know she will be alright. When we went to parents night they said its harder on the parents than the kids and I know that's the truth. I was at target the other day and they had "congrats you're going to Kindergarten" I actually got weepy.

My worries for her are:

• is she still too immature?
• Will she get left behind because she likes to be in her own world?
• Will they still really help her with her speech?
• Will the other kids take advantage of her kind unassuming nature?
• How is Liam going to handle being away from her 8 hours a day?

Do all parents worry about these things or is it just me?

My bucket list

I saw a few other people do this so I thought I should put mine down too.

1.) Own a home

2.) Be in a sketch on SNL

3.) Perform on stage at a concert

4.) Be debt free

5.) Be independently wealthy

6.) Take a family trip to Grand Canyon and river raft the Colorado River

7.) Move my parents closer

8.) Learn to surf

9.) Learn to play guitar

10.) See Lily, Liam and Logan grow up to be happy and healthy

11.) Be able to pay for all 3 to go to college

12.) Go back to school and become a Marine Biologist

13.) Be able to be a stay at home mom

14.) See one of Ryan's "inventions" work

15.) Go on a Disney cruise ending at Disney World and stay in Cinderella's Castle

16.) Go to Harry Potter Theme Park

17.) Write for a gossip column

18.) See NIN in concert

19.) Not care about my weight

20.) Go to Alaska and see the Orca's at "spa bay"

I am sure there are a lot more but those are the start. I also decided that like so many others (today is copy cat day I guess ha ha) I want to start a goal of the month. So for August I want to start working out at least 2 times a week. Go to bed earlier. Take the kids to the park at least once a week. Get Lily new school clothes. Finish our "redecorating" efforts. Be more creative.

Man that's a lot of stuff I don't know if I can accomplish it all so I won't add more ;)

Bad Mom?

So I have had my 3rd child. I can't help but feeling I am failing miserably at being a great mom to all 3 of them. My newborn obviously requires the most hands on attention and by the time he is settled and calm I am so exhausted I don't have the energy to play/chase my eldest two around the house. They are so great and eager to help however when the baby is screaming and I am flustered the last thing I need is 4 little hands fighting me over grabbing the diaper or wipes. I am trying to let them help when the situation provides. I knew having 3 would be hard so I was not disillusioned into thinking this time would be a dream however my husband has been working so all the workload falls on me. I have to do all the late night feedings I have to get up in the morning with all the kids and my eldest two don't nap anymore so I am I think physically drained. I feel like my house is in a constant state of disarray we have piles of laundry toys are everywhere and I am pulling my hair out. But then the baby coos and my eldest two say "I love you mommy" and I realize maybe I am doing something right. So I am going to stop blogging right now and enjoy all three of my kids behaving.

Aha Moment

So today my boss gave me an Aha moment. I know that sounds crazy but she did. She said to me "you are waiting for me to fail you. And I am never going to." The craziest part of that is I believed her. I live my life waiting for everyone to fail me. What a terrible way to live right? She said "I can't imagine how you are married like that." And it made me think how much am I making all my relationships suffer because of this. They suffer a lot. I am very sorry for this. I am not sure why I am like that. Well I do, but that isn't an excuse and its not hurtful to those that I continue to punish myself by keeping people at arms length. My husband is a wonderful man who loves me for all my crazy. My in laws are fabulous people who have welcomed me with open arms into their family. My family are loving caring people who truly try for the best. My friends are great that I could let be close wonderful friends but I keep them all away. Then I complain that I don't have any. Man I am in a vicious circle. I don't want to be like that. I really am going to do my best to push through this. I am so lucky to be surrounded by love and happiness and I feel like I am the black hole in this universe. I am not trying to be overly dramatic, but thats a representation of how I feel. I love you all in my life. I appreciate all the people who are there for me the few times I put my guard down. I thank all the people who push my boundaries and get me out of my shell no matter how hard it is. I am going to really open my thought process as to how I can reverse my thinking. Its going to be tough and a long process but damn it I am only holding myself back and I deserve more for myself.

2:27 AM

I can't sleep again... I am so anxious about so much. I am starting to work from home in 17 days and I really don't want to, but I don't have a choice. I have to convert my bedroom into an office need to know how to separate work from home when I work in the bedroom. I have to think about how the kids are going to handle mommy being in the other room. I also have to deal with the fact the my employer took some kind of government loan so we have to verify our citizenship. Not a problem I was born in the US however my employer and most people know me by my married name. All my legal documents still say my maiden name. I know I know 5 years of being married I should have changed my name a million years ago. My fault however I went to the CA DMV 3 times to change my name and every time it gets mailed to me it shows my maiden name. The paper one I got at the DMV showed my married name. I call they say I need to get my picture taken for the 3rd time. WTF???? What do I have to do to change my name? Oh well I have a busy day tomorrow car smogging getting a birth certificate and some how spend time with my kiddos.

Worries

So as we all probably know by now I am a mother of two and the sole provider for my family sometimes life gets very stressful. I have been out for disability for a couple months and the stress of the finances are getting to me. Luckily my job offers me very good disability insurance and so we aren't as bad off as we would be. But I really wish I could get some assistance every once and a while to alleviate the stress. But I am a strong woman so I know I can handle anything but that doesn't mean I want to handle everything. On top of all that I have had a lot of other things thrown on my plate that is completely overwhelming I don't really want to talk about it here but just know that it has caused to me think a lot about "high beings" and karma and why things happen. I am not sure why bad things happen to good people. Are these people secretly bad and they are really good at hiding it? I don't think so, karma is supposed to be do good things good things happen, do bad things and you get it in the end. That doesn't seem to be happening either. So then I think about the "higher power" I have heard the saying he or she doesn't give you more than you can handle... Really? How much does he or she need to test people? Does he/she like to get people to the breaking point? I can't help but think its a sick game someone is sitting around playing. Ok so you have both type one and type two diabetes, I am gonna give someone the brilliant idea for a awesome medicine to help oh but wait you are going to be one of the 35 people to get pancreatitis and incurable disease that usually leads to pancreas cancer which is probably one of the most painful and untreatable cancers. Then on top of those things we are going to throw in a broken tailbone, bum knee, torn ligaments in the shoulder and then as they are recovering from shoulder surgery lets knock you down the stairs and have the anesthesiologist nick the wrong nerve in the other arm causing problems in that arm. This all happened to one person who I have known all my life and I can tell you I don't think they have done ANYTHING to deserve this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry and I know that doesn't help but WTF????? People like Charles Manson, Roman Polanski and the BTK killer all are sitting around healthy either avoiding jail by running around Paris making movies winning awards in Switzerland or rotting in jail for life which we have to pay for!!!!! Ok this is angering me more than calming me so I am going to stop here. I will continue to pray for those who need to be prayed for and give strength to those who need it. I hope you will all do the same.