Worries

So as we all probably know by now I am a mother of two and the sole provider for my family sometimes life gets very stressful. I have been out for disability for a couple months and the stress of the finances are getting to me. Luckily my job offers me very good disability insurance and so we aren't as bad off as we would be. But I really wish I could get some assistance every once and a while to alleviate the stress. But I am a strong woman so I know I can handle anything but that doesn't mean I want to handle everything. On top of all that I have had a lot of other things thrown on my plate that is completely overwhelming I don't really want to talk about it here but just know that it has caused to me think a lot about "high beings" and karma and why things happen. I am not sure why bad things happen to good people. Are these people secretly bad and they are really good at hiding it? I don't think so, karma is supposed to be do good things good things happen, do bad things and you get it in the end. That doesn't seem to be happening either. So then I think about the "higher power" I have heard the saying he or she doesn't give you more than you can handle... Really? How much does he or she need to test people? Does he/she like to get people to the breaking point? I can't help but think its a sick game someone is sitting around playing. Ok so you have both type one and type two diabetes, I am gonna give someone the brilliant idea for a awesome medicine to help oh but wait you are going to be one of the 35 people to get pancreatitis and incurable disease that usually leads to pancreas cancer which is probably one of the most painful and untreatable cancers. Then on top of those things we are going to throw in a broken tailbone, bum knee, torn ligaments in the shoulder and then as they are recovering from shoulder surgery lets knock you down the stairs and have the anesthesiologist nick the wrong nerve in the other arm causing problems in that arm. This all happened to one person who I have known all my life and I can tell you I don't think they have done ANYTHING to deserve this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry and I know that doesn't help but WTF????? People like Charles Manson, Roman Polanski and the BTK killer all are sitting around healthy either avoiding jail by running around Paris making movies winning awards in Switzerland or rotting in jail for life which we have to pay for!!!!! Ok this is angering me more than calming me so I am going to stop here. I will continue to pray for those who need to be prayed for and give strength to those who need it. I hope you will all do the same.

Supreme Court Ruling

I am very disappointed in today's ruling by the "Supreme Court" to uphold the ban on gay marriage.  This is the same court that made it legal in the first place.  I am very happy that they were wise enough to keep the marriages preformed during that time valid.  However I can't help but shake my head in dismay of the pure ignorance of this decision not on behalf of the courts because they were only doing what the people voted on...  Don't get me started on that it shouldn't have been brought to a vote if they already passed it but I digress.  I just don't understand I guess how people can decide whats right for other people.  How does two men or two women getting married have any impact on my marriage?  It doesn't I will still love my husband and live in matrimony either way.  We are supposed to live in a society where we separate church and state and this decision clearly displays that we don't.  I would like to know if you care to share if you are anti-gay marriage is it because of religious beliefs or for some other reason.  I am speaking delicately here because unlike some counterparts I don't want to be hypocritical or judgemental I believe everyone has a right to their opinion.  But I don't think that that opinion should speak for everyone especially when the reasons behind those opinions are based on something our country was founded trying to protect us from.  Ryan and I have such differing views on this that I am getting very flustered all I have to say is NOH8.  I want equal rights for everyone!!!!!!!

Sunday night

Went to the family gathering today, the one I didn't want to go to had fun in the sun and put on my smiley face so no one knew that I really didn't want to be there. I am trying to be the bigger person Ryan has decided to cut off the person he is upset with and so now I am forced into these uncomfortable events with his family having to make excuses as to why he's not there. I miss my parents I wish I could take them over to their house to play in the backyard :( We had a earthquake today most peeps in San Diego didn't feel it but I decided to share with y'all a link for earthquake safety. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38364 Its hilarious. I work for an insurance company so I love these. Getting psyched up for work tomorrow. Yea right I need to get my head in the game though so I am going to go in there and aim for 95% availability and hope for close to 100 because I am really bad month to date.

Saturday Night/Sunday Morning

So I am sitting at home like always with my darling husband who is lovely and a bit grumpy we ran out of cigarettes, soda and food today and my paycheck that was supposed to be delivered Friday didn't arrive so all the wonderful plans we made are bye bye I could cry. But I don't because I am strong and have to hold it together because I think if one crack shows I would shatter into a million pieces and there would be no putting humpty back together again. Nine Inch Nails (our favorite band) was here in concert tonight and we (me more than Ryan) really wanted to go but taking care of our kids, paying bills and buying groceries were more important. I was majorly bummed but you know its the life we chose so we moved on then the texts start. I simply ask what time tomorrow is Nana's birthday? I get twoish and can you bring salad stuff? (remember I did not get paid and I am still trying out how I can make plain oatmeal interesting again) I say no I have no money... Then I get well I am at a concert can't talk now (I am a pretty clever girl so I start to put it together) then I say I got no paycheck can't bring salad stuff I get I am at NIN concert now!!!! The girl I am texting is not a fan of NIN and knows that we are this is the same girl who asked me to watch her dogs on mothers day... I guess I should be glad she didn't ask me to babysit her kid. That would have just put the knife right in my back. I try not to be a jealous person or envious but man oh man sometimes I really wish I could take the easy road ignore the electric bill and my kids and go to a concert and get drunk and have someone else take care of them. (Of course I have Ryan but going and doing that would result in a lot of passive aggressive crap I don't want to deal with.)

So tomorrow I am going to go to this birthday party that I don't want to and am probably going to hear about how awesome the concert was and I will bite my tongue, fake a smile and say maybe next time (even though I know Nine Inch Nails is planning on touring no more after this.) All because my since of duty and family come first and I know that its not fair to punish the kids (by not being able to play outside and get doted on) and the rest of the family because I am upset (probably for no good reason) at one person. I would love to say next weekend I could relax and have fun but it sounds like we are going up to the MIL's which will actually be nice except the drive because she is good company. So now I am going to read some magazines and try not to feel sorry for myself maybe I will get on the Wii Fit. Ha Ha!

Few things I am grateful for today:
---Parents that even 3000 miles away buy us groceries
---Kids who don't complain they have had oatmeal for breakfast everyday for a week (Mommy will get you a special treat, lots of "cookies" aka cheerios)
---A husband who threatened to ban Grey's while Aunt Flo was visiting because he hates how distraught I get.
---Every breath I take.

Today is Friday Eve

Today was hella busy at work it kinda sucked.  I want to do better as far as staying available however it is so freakin hard to stay taking 50 calls in a row!!!  I need to figure something out or I may get into real trouble it has been several months I have not been good.  And my excuses and cuteness are not going to let me slide much longer.  After I got home I made kids dinner only so I could eat my own and then we watched part of Underdog which was super cute!  Then we decided to exercise with our wii fit.  That was so fun I didn't get the best scores but the fun the kids and I had were well worth it.  Lily was really trying and Liam was confused but trying too.  I thoroughly love being a mom to these little munchkins.  At one point they knocked me over and we were all laughing so hard its those moments that make the hard times worth suffering through.  So after our little (hour long) work out we changed in to our Jammie's, curled up in bed and read a story.  I have to say this was a perfect night!!  They both went to bed no fuss no muss and just like that were out...  If that's not incentive to work out I don't know what would be.

So its recently come to my attention that I may not share my appreciation for my husband (yes you) as much as I should so here is a few things that he does daily:

*Keeps my kids alive all day while I am at work.  (our kids, our kids alive)

*Takes out the trash (Dirty stinky diapers)

*Brings me drinks, food, things off high shelves)

*Has drink ready for me when I walk in the door 

*Gave kids baths when I worked late nights

*Cleans up after my numerous spills

*Picks up kids toys so I don't trip or hurt myself

*Always supportive and encouraging

*Shows his unwavering devotion and love.

So while I do, do a lot more he sure does a lot and a General is nothing without a strong support system behind her!

Have a great night take care and enjoy Friday hopefully its payday for you too!

Some thoughts

So here I am again writing I haven't done this since I was a teen I didn't think I could write without being depressed.  Ryan and I were having a "discussion" today about our differing political views which I told him I would rather not discuss because I hate to think of him as an ignoramus (just him not anyone else who shares his views please take no offense).  I guess I just can't understand why someone can't see the wrong they have in their opinions its so frustrating I really only want peace and happiness and equality for all.  I don't think we need our government focusing its energy on things like Gay Marriage (even though I am in full support) when we have troops over seas fighting a war that we never should have gotten into in a country where killings oneself to take out a few "white devils" is a worthy cause.  When our country is in this "depression" when our banks are squandering away billions of dollars revamping their offices and giving bonuses for lets face it not doing their jobs!  We also need to think about the fact that two psychopaths (the dictators of North Korea and Iran) have an increasing interest in WMD's.  So yes I think its wrong that they gays can't get married but should it be a top priority for our President no.  Neither should investigating why the Church of Latter Day Saints baptized his dead Catholic mother.  Nor do I care what kind of dog they bought or how the kids get to school.  I want to know what he is doing with the important issues.

Ryan is watching Star Wars right now as a side note I think Princess Leia is a pedophile and pervert.

CSI New York: Disturbing Content

So I just got done watching the newest episode of CSI NY and it really bothered me...
**spoiler alert if you are more behind than me and don't want me to ruin it**
It was the usual murder (which if we go based off the TV shows happens several different times a day and in more ways we could ever imagine) then the victim turned out to be a skin head (stomach turned sour right away) then the suspect was another Neo-Nazi (seriously considered turning it off when he started spitting racist remarks) then the last conversation of the "victim" (I use the term loosely because in my opinion he got what he deserved) was with a cute little old Jewish man (which I just think is so cute!!!!) and he showed his tattoo or mark and we all felt bad he was crying about how he had to sell his only left over broach from his dead wife to support his very Jewish son and family. Very moving then Mac (detective hero) goes to the Israeli diplomats and tells them he wants to return all the "keepsakes" the "victim" had collected to the families of the people they were stolen from (my heart filled with the goodness in him) cut to them watching a video of a sweet old Jewish lady talking about how she was the cousin of the woman who was tricked in to giving the broach (yes the one the little old man was selling) to a neighbor who was going to sneak them to safety and then taking to Auschwitz. It turns out that the "sweet little Jewish man" raising a Jewish son is actually a Nazi who snuck into the US using a fake mark pretended to be a Jew to avoid persecution gave the broach to his Jewish wife them never knowing the EVIL PIG he truly was!!!! I was ready to jump through my laptop (I watch online) and kill him myself as he said awful things to the Jews as well.

This got me so flustered and thinking how can we live in a society where it honestly seems like the bad people out weigh the good? Evil walks around getting away with MURDER, RAPE (Afghanistan has made it legal for a husband to rape his wife), GREED (lets not talk about these government bailouts to the banks), Gluttony (more people are obese now then ever before). And us good people (I consider myself and anyone I deem a friend good) have to suffer and squabble to make ends meet. It just really gets me down sometimes. Its just so disheartening that I brought two gorgeous GOOD kids into this world and have to try to explain to them how being bad (mean, fighting, stealing, ignorance, bigotry and lying) can be easier but being good puts you in a better place overall and if there is a God or heaven that's going to be worth not being as wealthy or successful in this life. And eventually being good will make you wealthy and successful in the ways that really count.

Just a few thoughts.

Wednesday

So I am working being trained like a monkey on something that could take a half an hour is taking 3 4 hour days. I am maybe to smart for my own good often makes me think maybe I am in the wrong field if its so easy for me. But the problem is I truly like my job I would just like to feel like I am going somewhere ya know?

So on a random note Elisabeth Hasselback is going to be on Larry King tonight to talk about the Perez Hilton Ms California drama and I have to say as a person who is pro-gay marriage and pro first amendment I am tired of hearing about this.
-Yes I do not agree with her
-No I do not think she is a villain for having her opinion... That's right her opinion and I do not think that Ms. California is a authority on political issues and if she is there is a whole heck of a lot more wrong with society than no gay marriage.
-Yes I think Perez is completely out of line and doing more harm than good on gay rights. Making himself look like an idiot.
-As much as I disagree Ms. California did speak out on behalf of most Americans and in reality at this time even though a lot of states are legalizing gay marriage but fact is most Americans are not pro gay marriage even though it is changing she was not out of line like saying you know she was racist or anything and that this is not a big deal.
-Perez is an idiot who needs to get a grip and it is supposed to be about love and getting rights because you bully and hate is not the way any of us want it.

So on a happy note I am loving this new shift!!!! And I hope that eventually I get an earlier one again.
-

Terrible two's and Tyrinical Three's

I don't know if I am going to make it. The attitude the talking back is only going to get worse. Sometimes I love the fiestiness and the exploratory nature but sometimes I really wish we could have five minutes of quiet, but I know that's never going to happen which is good. Took the kids to the zoo yesterday and it was fantastic the kids were actually interested in the animals and flowers. We went on the bus tour and they were very well behaved. We also took a trip on the skyfarri and when Auntie Kiki said it was high Lily said "Oh Shit" its so hard not to laugh because its so cute and funny but I know she shouldn't say that.

It was my first time alone with my sister in law and the kiddos it was really nice. Sometimes I feel really guilty that I can't have as good of a relationship with my sister. But there are a lot of other extenuating circumstances that complicate that relationship. Hopefully when she gets back from "vacation" (lol) things will be different and she will work on being a better person and daughter. And I will work on believing that she does want to make changes even though I find it hard to believe.

I went to temple/church with Beverly and her husband Vince, it was a lovely place very full of caring and openness. I did come to a realization while I was there is that I am not Jewish, I enjoyed the service though, I thought the Hebrew and the singing was beautiful and so much fun. In the end it doesn't matter what church you go to as long as it makes you feel good to go there.

So today Lily and Liam are trying to tell me we are leaving but I keep telling them tomorrow we are going out with Uncle Jim from Alaska but they don't care they want something right now! So we will spend all day telling them they don't need their shoes and them chasing us around with them. Next Tuesday I am taking the kids to their first gymnastic class ever I am so excited!! Chelsie is going to bring her daughter too its going to be so great!

Laundry day

So today I went over to the in laws house to let the kids reek (?) havoc in their backyard and get out some pent up energy and get some free laundry done. Every time I do this which is about once a month as to not inconvenience them I am so grateful fun for the kids time with the fam for me and clean clothes that don't cost me upwards of $40. I should invest in a Laundr-o-mat I could make bank be like 25 cents less than everyone else. While I was doing laundry I was turning all our clothes right side in (out) and realized why is it impossible for all 4 of us to remove our clothing with out turning it inside out? Is it in our genes did I genetically pass this annoying trait on to my kids? I mean when I am undressing I don't think about it but when I am loading the washer I am like jeez 2 seconds at the time I take it off would save me 20 minutes when I am washing. But I am sure tomorrow I will be back to my old ways and next week come laundry time I will be thinking the same thing.

Tomorrow or rather later today I am going to service/temple with my friend Beverly and her husband she speaks very highly of it and I am excited to go. Lately I have been feeling like there is something missing I am not sure what but I have been feeling an urge to go. Being as my only trip to church I remember turned out to be a cult that attempted to exercise some demon from me I am very nervous but Beverly has assured me this is not a cult. (I knew that already they don't seem like the Cyanide Kool-aid types ha ha.) I will report back with my feelings and observations later. From what I have put together this is a Jewish religion that believes that Jesus was here and died and was resurrected and all that but they follow all the Jewish beliefs otherwise. I find this very exciting even though personally I don't know what my views on Jesus are.

I should probably head to bed have an exciting day ahead.

Today is thursday

**I had the sister in law over and it was fun we played the wii and the wii fit. That was a little depressing because her "mii" (character) was rail thin and cute and mine looks like a Roley poley. So any way we were playing wii fit and she was trying to use my profile but she didn't weigh enough so it wasn't registering her moves it was really depressing and all but just further motivates me to keep up my exercising and dieting. She was very sweet about the whole thing I was mortified.
**I had a great day with the kids and family I am so enjoying watching the little ones growing up and becoming their own beings and individuals.
*Liam is a little lover and compassionate but as a little fighting spirit very cool. He speaks very well and enjoys learning new words. He is very smart and funny and finds joy in everything.
*Lily is so fun and curious wants to do and experience everything. She is so smart and funny she does not have vocabulary Liam does but I am discovering its because she talks so fast her mouth can't keep up.
*They are both independent and want to do everything on their own but maintain conspiracy to try and get away with everything.

Wednesday's Findings

So I went to Walmart today and was standing in line when two women walked up and advised the store clerk that they found a purse outside. I along with 3 other women thanked her for this mystery purse leaver and the other women went on to tell them what great people they were and how awesome it is that they turned it in. I couldn't help wondering though why it is such a big shock that they turned it in. When did we become a society where the norm is to expect people to steal and be dishonest? Its so very sad. I hope to raise my kiddos in an environment where behaving well should be expected not suprising. I also have been doing some thinking thanks to Ms. Bev about who I am truly. Here's what I got so far:
**A mother who tries her hardest to be the best she can. Often looses site of who she is seperate from being a mom. Who may lose her patience a bit more than she likes but is also very affectionate and full of love.
**A wife who does not alway appreciate how much her husband does. Who takes care of everything and often gets very overwhelmed but has a hard time relinquishing any control to her husband. Not as passionate as she once was (hopefully not tmi but I dont plan on a whole lot of people reading this.
**A daughter who is torn in how to be a great daughter from 3000 miles away. I have always had a very close (maybe to close) relationship with my parents so now that times are tough for them it is very difficult to sit on the sidelines and being of no use.
**A daughter in law to a fantastic mother and step mother in law. I am so very lucky to get along with them and have a relationship of open honesty and friendship.
**A sister.... at that I am failing but I will keep trying.
**A friend who can be quick to judge but will be loyal through and through. I also tend to not believe anyone truly likes me which makes it very hard to maintain friendships because I take everything to mean the negative but through a great group of friends I have now I am getting better.
So thats it for now dinners ready ;)