Aha Moment

So today my boss gave me an Aha moment. I know that sounds crazy but she did. She said to me "you are waiting for me to fail you. And I am never going to." The craziest part of that is I believed her. I live my life waiting for everyone to fail me. What a terrible way to live right? She said "I can't imagine how you are married like that." And it made me think how much am I making all my relationships suffer because of this. They suffer a lot. I am very sorry for this. I am not sure why I am like that. Well I do, but that isn't an excuse and its not hurtful to those that I continue to punish myself by keeping people at arms length. My husband is a wonderful man who loves me for all my crazy. My in laws are fabulous people who have welcomed me with open arms into their family. My family are loving caring people who truly try for the best. My friends are great that I could let be close wonderful friends but I keep them all away. Then I complain that I don't have any. Man I am in a vicious circle. I don't want to be like that. I really am going to do my best to push through this. I am so lucky to be surrounded by love and happiness and I feel like I am the black hole in this universe. I am not trying to be overly dramatic, but thats a representation of how I feel. I love you all in my life. I appreciate all the people who are there for me the few times I put my guard down. I thank all the people who push my boundaries and get me out of my shell no matter how hard it is. I am going to really open my thought process as to how I can reverse my thinking. Its going to be tough and a long process but damn it I am only holding myself back and I deserve more for myself.

2:27 AM

I can't sleep again... I am so anxious about so much. I am starting to work from home in 17 days and I really don't want to, but I don't have a choice. I have to convert my bedroom into an office need to know how to separate work from home when I work in the bedroom. I have to think about how the kids are going to handle mommy being in the other room. I also have to deal with the fact the my employer took some kind of government loan so we have to verify our citizenship. Not a problem I was born in the US however my employer and most people know me by my married name. All my legal documents still say my maiden name. I know I know 5 years of being married I should have changed my name a million years ago. My fault however I went to the CA DMV 3 times to change my name and every time it gets mailed to me it shows my maiden name. The paper one I got at the DMV showed my married name. I call they say I need to get my picture taken for the 3rd time. WTF???? What do I have to do to change my name? Oh well I have a busy day tomorrow car smogging getting a birth certificate and some how spend time with my kiddos.